Impractical

Syn

PG-13

I do not own these characters.

Summary: River expounds on the illogicalness of Christmas...though there are some things she likes.

Notes: Written for meegzi31 for my Holiday Ficathon Project.

 

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"What did you do with the lights?" Kaylee calls across the galley.  River looks up from the box of decorations in her hands and watches as Wash, standing on a chair, leans back and regards her with a puzzled look.

 

"Lights?"

 

"You know, the different colored ones we hung around the galley last year?  I saw you take 'em down," Kaylee says, tinsel around her neck.  Wash frowns, as if trying to remember.

 

"Er..."

 

"You DID pack them, didn't you?" Kaylee says sharply.

 

"Well, I remember taking them down.  It's rather fuzzy after that...what with all the eggnog imbibing and all.  That was a year ago!" Wash says defensively, "I can't be held responsible for Christmas lights.  The pressure!"

 

"Good thing we don't have kids," Zoë mumbles, arching an eyebrow.  Wash looks at her seriously and then turns back to the tree, where he's hanging ornaments.

 

"Well we need to hang 'em or it won't be right," Kaylee says, eyeing the dark, dingy galley, which is in a haphazard state of decoration.  The fake plastic tree is already set up in the corner.  Tiny lanterns with Chinese symbols stamped on them adorn the false branches, along with plastic baubles in various shades of disrepair and age.  The star, a battered thing covered in patches of shedding glitter, rests atop the tree like a crown. 

 

"If we can't find them, it's not a big deal," Zoë says, looking up from the garland in her hands. "We've got plenty enough here and you know how the Cap gets all annoyed when you start stringing lights around and wishing him a happy holiday."

 

"He is a grumpy pants when it comes to Christmas," says Wash as he leans back, admiring his handiwork. "Chronic case of holiday blues, that man."

 

"That's just all talk," Kaylee says fondly, sifting through the box. "He likes Christmas.  Who doesn't?"

 

"Jews.  Muslims.  Buddhists.  Kwanzaa enthusiasts.  Those people who worship comets," River replies automatically.  Every head in the galley turns toward her and she stares unflinchingly back at them. "And agnostics and atheists.  Pagans too.  Several religious sects started within the last century only worship cats, like the Egyptians on the Earth That Was.  No Christmas.  Lots of kittens though."

 

"How lucky for them," Wash says sarcastically.

 

"Christmas is silly," River goes on. "Celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ is impractical."

 

"I am so glad Book is back at his Abbey for Christmas..." Zoë interrupts.

 

"I don't know, crazy genius versus devout Shepherd is always a smack down I'm willing to watch," Wash says with a shrug. "Especially if they mud wrestle."

 

"Shut up, dear," Zoë says, shooting him a wicked smile.  Wash turns back to the tree.

 

"Mary was a liar," River says nonchalantly.  Kaylee frowns.

 

"How so?"

 

"Said she was a virgin.  Lie!" spoke River with a smile.  Kaylee glances at Zoë.

 

"It says in the Bible..." Kaylee starts, but River cuts across her.

 

"HA!" River says, pulling Wash's lost Christmas lights from the box in front of her. "Do you really believe that?"

 

"Oh boy," Wash says in a foreboding voice as Kaylee takes the lights from her. "I think we're like...supposed to.  Something about faith."

 

"It's nearly medically impossible for a virgin to get pregnant.  She was not a virgin," River says in a flat voice. "I've done the numbers.  The math doesn't add up.  Joseph got duped."

 

"But God impregnated her--"

 

"I'm afraid of immaculate conception," River says abruptly, her eyes wide.  Zoë laughs and Wash looks at her hard.

 

"I think that might have been a one time deal, only," he says kindly, glancing at Kaylee for help, who just shrugs. "You're probably safe."

 

"At least Jesus is based in historical fact," River goes on, ignoring him, voice rising again. "Santa Claus makes no sense whatsoever.  We don't even have a chimney.  And there's no such thing as a North Pole anymore."

 

"North Pole is a planet," Kaylee says, eyes wide.

 

"And the reindeer.  Santa can't travel through space on a sleigh and if even if he could, he couldn't get to every single planet all in one night.  Physically impossible.  Don't get me started on the elf quandary."

 

"It's magic!" Kaylee protests, looking to Zoë for help. 

 

"No such thing."

 

"She's got a point," says Jayne suddenly.

 

The three of them looked at one another and then at Jayne sitting quietly in the corner.  He hadn't been helping with the decorations, only watching them. 

 

"Oh, so now you're taking her side?" Zoë says, leaning back in her chair to regard Jayne with a skeptical look.  Jayne shrugs.

 

"Santa's a big fat lie," Jayne spits, taking a drink from the cup in his hands. "Learned that when I was four years old.  Came down and found my pa putting presents under the gorram tree.  Didn't even get what I wanted..."

 

"Yeah, but everyone learns that Santa isn't real eventually.  It's a nice myth though!" Wash says. 

 

"Stupid myth," Jayne and River say together.  They look at one another and then quickly turn away.

 

"So...do you celebrate Christmas, River?" Zoë asks gently.

 

"Of course!" River says with a smile.

 

"But you said it was silly," Kaylee says, turning back to the lights she's stringing around the galley.

 

"And impractical," Wash reminds her. 

 

"Yes, but...the lights are pretty.  And I get presents," says River happily, pulling tinsel from the old box. "Sometimes it's okay to turn your brain off."

 

"I always thought Christmas was a no-brainer," Wash says, hopping down from his chair and helping Kaylee string the lights around the galley.   River watches them for several long minutes until the bright, multi-colored lights are strung around the room.  The dim, dingy galley is now alive with Christmas spirit. 

 

When they're finished, Kaylee stands back and admires the tree, which has been bolted to the floor. She cocks her head to the side and smiles slightly. "It looks nice."

 

"Oh yeah," Wash says distractedly, "looks great.  Who's for eggnog?"

 

"No eggnog for you!" Zoë says in a warning voice as Wash turns huge eyes on her.  He whines slightly. "Fine.  One cup."

 

"Yay!" Wash says and goes for the eggnog sitting on the counter.  Kaylee and Zoë join him. "River?  You want any?"

 

River stands and looks at the eggnog for a moment. "No.  I think I'll..."

 

She turns to leave the galley--and runs smack into Jayne's barrel chest.  He glowers down at her. "Watch it."

 

River looks up at the ceiling above Jayne's head and smiles, her eyes rounding in surprise. "Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it."

 

"Huh?"

 

"You don't have to," River says. "It's impractical."

 

"What is?"

 

"You're...uh...standing under the mistletoe," Kaylee speaks up from over the rim of her eggnog. Jayne starts and looks up at the fake sprig of mistletoe attached to the ceiling.

 

"Shit," he spits and looks back at River.

 

"KISS!" Wash says.  Zoë smacks his chest, silencing him. He mouths the word instead.

 

"Of all the gorram luck," Jayne says.  River stares at him. "Well?"

 

"Well what?" River says, still staring. She watches as he twitches. "Mistletoe is an impractical tradition.  You could pass a cold or a mononucleosis by mouth transfer, all because you stand under a plant that'll kill you if you eat it."

 

"That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth!" Jayne says.  Zoë makes a disgusted sound in her throat.

 

"Very wise," River says seriously.

 

"S'that mean I don't have to?" Jayne says in a tight voice.

 

"Oh come on!  It's Christmas!" Kaylee says in a longing voice.  River glances at her.

 

"Yeah!  Come on!" Wash says, edging out of hitting range of Zoë. River looks back at Jayne.

 

"You don't have a cold do you?" she asks.

 

"No!"

 

River eyes him beadily. "I think you should kiss me then."

 

"I ain't--" Jayne starts, and then sighs. "Gorrammit."

 

River stands stock-still as Jayne swoops down, pecks her on the lips quickly and backs away so that he's not standing beneath the offending plant any longer.  He doesn't look at her as he walks out of the galley and disappears down the corridor.

 

"Very lovely," Wash comments, taking a deep swallow of eggnog. "Wonder if I could get Mal under there?  He has such kissable lips."

 

Zoë looks at him, eyebrows rising. "You worry me sometimes, honey."

 

"It was a flight school thing," he says waving his hand. "Everyone was doing it."

 

Kaylee collapses into a peal of giggles and Zoë just shakes her head.  River backs out of the galley, stepping from the brightly lit, cheery room and into the dark, sterile corridor.  Her lips feel odd and tingly.  She puts her fingers to her mouth, closes her eyes for a moment and then opens them again. 

 

When she does, she sees Jayne standing at the ladder to his bunk watching her.  Very slowly, he moves down the latter and out of sight. 

 

River watches him go and smiles.

 

(end)

 

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